Take a look at this list of Suck Symptoms and see how many you have to deal with.
Chewed shoes
Chewed DVDs
Inexplicably sticky stuffed animals
Chewed carpet
Chewed couches
Torn up toilet paper
Scratches on your arms
Scratches on your belly
Inexplicably sticky socks
Holes in the backyard
Holes in the backyard fence
Holes in the neighbor's dog
Holes in the neighbor's cat
Holes in the neighbor's child
Tipped over trash
Unstoppable Barking
Inexplicably sticky guests
How can the Suck be stopped? First we need to understand what is is, and why it grows. Suck is the natural destructive tendency that resides within every dog. The ratio of Suck to Non-Suck can vary between individual dogs and breeds, but it is increased by boredom, insufficient excercise, mental stagnation and overfeeding.
Acceptable levels of Suck vary, depending on the personality of the dog and the owner. A Border Collie has a naturally higher ratio of Suck to Non-Suck, and when paired with a middle-aged individual with no family who enjoys dog dancing and flyball, the level of Acceptable Suck will be very high. Fondness for sequins and matching doggie-owner outfits can lead to toxic levels of Suck, fatal to any small birds that happen by.
People with no tolerance for Suck are encouraged to avoid dogs altogether, or be Cesar Milan.
For most people, acceptable Suckiness would involve a 1:20 shoe chewing ratio, minor damage to hidden parts of the furniture, or bi-annual counter surfing as long as it's something really irresistable. How do we achieve these goals? Let's take a look at how suck progresses in a normal dog that's left alone during the day.
As you can see, Suck levels grow all day long, resulting in wanton destruction and mischief. Suck peaks at the exciting time when the owner returns to find their computer cables have been eaten and their teddy bears violated, then drops off sharply during the evening walk. Bed time comes soon after,and the cycle begins anew.
Here's what happens when the dog is crated.
Suck levels rise apace, briefly alleviated by the discovery of a kong, until once again, they peak with the arrival of the owner and the beginning of the evening walk.
The problem with both of these scenarios is that the dog is left in a high state of Suckiness all day, which makes an unpleasant homecoming for the owner. Stress is increased if there is anything to do in the evening other than walk the dog such as studying, entertaining guests, or housework. Ever tried to vacuum up the shards of an antique crystal tchotchke that your dog smashed after he knocked over the bookshelf in an effort to climb up and get a spider off the ceiling? How about doing it while the dog is attacking the vacuum cleaner? It SUCKS.
The obvious solution? MORNING WALKS.
That's SCIENCE, people.
