YOU ENEMA-SIPPING SWINE

The Sweeney Todd let-down was not enough, eh Hollywood? You had to rape The Mist too?

Fred Darbont, you suck. Stephen King, you suck too. You have always sucked, only now that you're mutilating the ONE STORY of yours that I kind of liked, you've gone beyond it. I can only hope that you and your cow-tonguing sap of a director will collapse under the magnitude of your collective disgrace. The ending was GOD-AWFUL. Your attempts at emotional manipulation were juvenile and crass. I know you were trying to be all tragic and oscar-worthy, but it just came off as cold and punitive. That's what you get for your stupid hope! Shoot your kid to spare him from the monsters and then find out it was totally pointless because everything's fine! You could have just pasted that "Look at me, I'm an attention whore!" graphic over the last ten minutes of the movie and it would have been fine.

Your transparently superior attitude, your over the top church lady villain, your blatant sneering at the 'small town hicks', it was just too over-blown, too obvious. Your imagery was subtle. I especially like that part where she was praying to the toilet, and then your heroine comes in and is so sweet and supportive, and then the evil church lady starts being all mean for no reason. That was classic. Who's being preachy again? You spent more time spewing out Bible verses in this moving than most people do in church! And of course, we have to throw abortion, and stem cell research, and child sacrifice into the mix! After all, people who are against the first two are totally fine with the third one! Those wacky Christians!

You simpering catamites should hop into the sack with whoever wrote yesterday's Dr. Who episode. "Meh, I'm a whiny little girly-man who doesn't like being around people with guns cause they're the bad guys, meh!" Dear sweet mother of Bill Clinton, you're a time & space bending, face changing TIMELORD who goes around thwarting evil and fighting hideous aliens with laser swords but TINY LUMPS OF COPPER CARRIED BY ENGLAND'S MILITARY MEN MAKE YOU SOIL YOUR KOTEX?

Every time I find a TV show or movie I think I will love, you have to ruin it by tossing in a bunch of unrelated diarrheal mouth dribblings trying to educate me. They are like hideous pulsing carbuncles, distracting me from the movie beneath and sweeping away all feelings except that of rage at your arrogance.
Thank you, movie & TV industry, for attempting to enlighten us. Thank you for spending millions of dollars trying to lift us from our pig infested hovels and lead us, mewling like filth encrusted babes, into the light.

CHOKE ON YOUR SWIVING COSMOPOLITANS AND DIE.

Sweeney Todd

Dear Mr. Burton,

You stupid lunk. I waited. I waited and waited for months, for that movie to come out On Demand. I was so excited about it. I mean, Tim Burton + Helena Bonham Carter, what could go wrong? Everything, apparently. That movie sucked. It was crap. It took my high expectations, flung them to the ground, then stomped them into powder.

I was hoping for a black masterpiece; The Count of Monte Cristo meets Edward ScissorHands. Instead, you gave me Natural Born killers 1845 with a big dollop of Borat the retarded Italian on top.

First of all:
Johnny Depp should not sing. Neither should Sasha Cohen. Putting either one of these guys in a musical requiring anything more than a piratical "yo-ho!" is just beyond idiocy.

The songs were poorly written, and badly delivered by everyone except Mrs. Lovett.
Maybe the complicated, overlapping tunes sound beautiful when sung in a theatre by trained vocalists, but in the movie they bit. Hard. Limb-severingly hard. And the lyrics were rubbish. This was supposed to be a movie about razors, not hatchets.



Mrs. Lovett's hair was awesome.



There was no winner. I wanted them all to die in the end, but received no satisfaction when they did. My biggest regret is that Johanna and her mealy-faced emo-boi survived, because now there's going to be a sequel. "Johanna, the fallen cosmetologist of Glasgow".

If you were going to make a story that had no heros, why not follow the historical storyline & just make it into a period horror flick? Why did you subject me to an hour and fifty-six minutes of bad singing and nihilistic moralizing?
The only redeeming part of this film was Helena Bonham Carter and her wonderful hair.

You suck, Tim Burton. With an epic suckage.

iPoo'd

I's hot here. So very, very hot.
The kids are out in the pool splashing around. The baby and I were out there a bit ago, but then the dog thought he'd get in on the action so I let her run around naked in the house while she dried off. She was playing with my iPod headphones (I bet you see where this is going) when I heard a wet, squishy sound and looked over to see that she had laid them on the floor, popped a squat, and...yeah. Man has yet to invent a cleaner that can remove baby-poo stains from anything white.

That's about the most fascinating thing that's happened so far this week...We got our tax rebate, which is cool. Mr. Legs renewed my WOW subscription for Mother's day, that's been fun. Tonight's movie night, we're probably going to watch Alvin & the Chipmunks again...I didn't like it at first, but it's kind of grown on me. Maybe it's just their soulful rendition of 'Bad Day' during the opening credits. (Available for your viewing pleasure here.)
I'm still waiting anxiously for the 16th, when Sweeney Todd is available On Demand. Did you know that was a true story? It was a big deal when it happened.
The beginning of criminal forensics, apparently, since the prosecution used a deformed femur to prove a victim's identity.
I should go make rice.