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First post of the new year, hmm...
I have a church that I love.
And a couple of friends.
A pig skull in the maceration tank.
What more could there be?

Tequila.

Suck Theory

Does your dog Suck? Probably!
Take a look at this list of Suck Symptoms and see how many you have to deal with.

Chewed shoes
Chewed DVDs
Inexplicably sticky stuffed animals
Chewed carpet
Chewed couches
Torn up toilet paper
Scratches on your arms
Scratches on your belly
Inexplicably sticky socks
Holes in the backyard
Holes in the backyard fence
Holes in the neighbor's dog
Holes in the neighbor's cat
Holes in the neighbor's child
Tipped over trash
Unstoppable Barking
Inexplicably sticky guests

How can the Suck be stopped? First we need to understand what is is, and why it grows. Suck is the natural destructive tendency that resides within every dog. The ratio of Suck to Non-Suck can vary between individual dogs and breeds, but it is increased by boredom, insufficient excercise, mental stagnation and overfeeding.
Acceptable levels of Suck vary, depending on the personality of the dog and the owner. A Border Collie has a naturally higher ratio of Suck to Non-Suck, and when paired with a middle-aged individual with no family who enjoys dog dancing and flyball, the level of Acceptable Suck will be very high. Fondness for sequins and matching doggie-owner outfits can lead to toxic levels of Suck, fatal to any small birds that happen by.
People with no tolerance for Suck are encouraged to avoid dogs altogether, or be Cesar Milan.
For most people, acceptable Suckiness would involve a 1:20 shoe chewing ratio, minor damage to hidden parts of the furniture, or bi-annual counter surfing as long as it's something really irresistable. How do we achieve these goals? Let's take a look at how suck progresses in a normal dog that's left alone during the day.



As you can see, Suck levels grow all day long, resulting in wanton destruction and mischief. Suck peaks at the exciting time when the owner returns to find their computer cables have been eaten and their teddy bears violated, then drops off sharply during the evening walk. Bed time comes soon after,and the cycle begins anew.

Here's what happens when the dog is crated.




Suck levels rise apace, briefly alleviated by the discovery of a kong, until once again, they peak with the arrival of the owner and the beginning of the evening walk.

The problem with both of these scenarios is that the dog is left in a high state of Suckiness all day, which makes an unpleasant homecoming for the owner. Stress is increased if there is anything to do in the evening other than walk the dog such as studying, entertaining guests, or housework. Ever tried to vacuum up the shards of an antique crystal tchotchke that your dog smashed after he knocked over the bookshelf in an effort to climb up and get a spider off the ceiling? How about doing it while the dog is attacking the vacuum cleaner? It SUCKS.

The obvious solution? MORNING WALKS.



That's SCIENCE, people.

What I've been doing

I finally lifted that second bobcat skull out of the peroxide; he's been in there since the beginning of June, so he's a little crispy, but white like you would not believe. He looks great. And I managed to find all of his teeth but those four little fiddly ones that go in the front of his lower jaw. I took the raccoon out of the maceration tank yesterday and moved him into the degreaser; Boy was THAT a revolting mess. I poured it over the flowers and they seem to like it. The tea rose turned extra-dark within hours. None of the teeth had come out (yay!) so I had to pry them out with my fingernails (ick!).

I have been nordic-tracking regularly, and I feel awesome. Also the diet is going pretty well...We had a brief moment of weakness involving bacon-wrapped jalapenos last night, but we're back on track. I think I will fit into my spiffy new jeans soon, which will be a day for much glee.

W went to a homeschooler farmer's market yesterday, which was pretty cool. I got some blueberry-lime jam, a bunch of veggies, and some goat milk soap. I also got my name put on a waiting list for cabrito. I'm trying to figure out how to cook it in the oven still, but maybe it would be better grilled.

I think that's it.

The Wall

Walls, actually. We have walls! A ceiling! Woo-hoo!




The pics are all craptacular because the flash on my camera is broken and I had to take these with my phone. Still, you get the general idea. Drywall applied horizontally to the beams, etc. The guy who's putting them up is super fast, like contractor lightening. He brings his wife and daughter over to help him mud, which is kind of cool.

Mah Skirt

Frag of the Flies

You know when you hear about the plagues of Egypt, and you got your blood, and boils, and death, and then you hear "flies" and you're all like "Flies? Seriously? Way to phone it in, God. Flies." And then one day you wake up and your house is actually full of them? Like a giant floating seething buzzing CLICKING for God's sake bunch of flies? And then you begin to appreciate just a little more how much of a punishment flies really are?
Well, it happened to me. I've had my problems with vermin before, admittedly, but my house has been almost sanitary these past few months so it really seemed unfair when I walked into the boy's room and it looked like a scene from CSI where they find the body of a dead guy three weeks after he died. Did you know that flies are LOUD? I can hear them through the walls. They have no fear of me, I can hear them giggling as they avoid my sweeping shoe attacks. Normally I can keep them out of the house by putting a stick of incense by the open door, but they've become bolder; organized...EVIL.
So I went out and armed myself with the weapons of the ancient hippies; patchouli, a stick of sage, and matches. I went from room to room, 'smudging', as the instructions call it. You light the stick of sage until it smolders, then in each corner of the room you blow on it until it belches out a thick cloud of pot-scented smoke.

You should have seen the destruction. Most were struck down in a daze immediately, crawling feebly for whatever escape they could find. Those that retained the power of flight suddenly discovered that they COULD fly in a straight line, usually directly away from me, sometimes splatting themselves amusingly into the walls. A couple flew directly into the smoke, and were immediately received into fly heaven, which I imagine is somewhere in India.

There are only a few hardy souls left, buzzing forlornly around the house in search of their loved ones; families, friends, maggots, all struck down in a single evening of tragedy, their thriving poo-based civilization gone forever, sponged from the history books, never to be duplicated, the descent into obscurity illuminated only by the poisonous fumes of patchouli oil burning long into the night.
It's a sad day if you're an evil disgusting chitinous bastard.

Marching Song

By Robert Louis Stevenson



Bring the comb and play upon it!
Marching, here we come!
Willie cocks his highland bonnet,
Johnnie beats the drum.



Mary Jane commands the party,
Peter leads the rear;
Feet in time, alert and hearty,
Each a Grenadier!



All in the most martial manner
Marching double-quick;
While the napkin, like a banner,
Waves upon the stick!




Here's enough of fame and pillage,
Great commander Jane!
Now that we've been round the village,
Let's go home again.

The archway

Here it is; It doesn't look so squalid in real life; I have to adjust the 'pathos' setting on the camera.



And from the other side:


I still have to go through the stuff on the table; imagine it with nice clean white drywall behind it, and no clutter. And a pony in the backyard. It looks better that way.



This is The Thing I got at Goodwill the other day. I like it.



The Virgin Mary Nook full of natural hstory stuff.

More destruction

I've been busy!
Once I tore off all the paneling, I discovered that the breakfast bar had been converted from a built-in window; yay, right? Wrong! Whoever cut the hole had neglected to add a real 'jack' stud to support the former 'king' studs, meaning that the left side of the whole load-bearing wall had been held up by a half inch piece of trim that had been used to prettify the bar. Crap. Support studs to be added as soon as that bar comes down.



Ignore the dog; Once we pulled the carpet up we discovered flooring made up of what appear to be deck supports; awesome! My plan is to paint them white. And replace the ones that have rotted, which should be fairly easy. Tommy approves.



The former outside of the house, clapboard(or whatever it is) still intact; I kind of like the color. A moody gray-blue. Anyhoo...we might cover it with drywall, or we might just paint it after tearing down that black stuff. Haven't decided yet, but I kind of like the look. The other three walls will have to be drywall, though. I really like the window; I'm thinking either shutters or shelves...thoughts?



Random dog related cuteness:



I've been busy.

Back home

Swiper and I are staying up, listening to the cholos race up and down the street.
He's glad to be home, but antsy. He spends a lot of time staring at me, chuffing to get me to come look out the window. The kids were pleased with their rooms but the little ones had a hard time going to sleep in a new place. The bathroom's done except for the shower head, and it looks great. A little grand for our tiny house, but we like it. The words 'Ghetto Fabulous' have been bandied about.

I should be really happy, but I feel oppressed. I think it's probably the open space in the living room, it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'll put some Christmas lights in the rafters tomorrow. Found another rat's nest in a drawer, but at least there were no rats in it. Waiting for the camera to finish loading so I can post pictures. I will probably just post them in a long string later, I don't feel very creative right now.

Pictures:

Psalms 19:13

Also keep back Your servant
from presumptous sins;
Let them not rule over me;
Then I will be blameless
And I shall be aquitted of great
transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in your sight;
O Lord, my rock and my
Redeemer.

TEAM EDMOND!!!!

Is there anything better than The Count of Monte Cristo?
There is not. I love the abridged version, the unabridged version, even the truly horrible movie versions. I love it so much.
Thanks, Scribe.

I have a dream.

A dream that haunts me; so real that I can almost wrap my fingers around it, but that is still only a figment of my imagination.
I dream of the perfect mug.
It will be round and bulbous and big enough to hold two cups of coffee; It will have a lid on top so that I can brew tea in it. It will be thick to keep it's contents warm, and not quite so smooth that it feels like plastic. A faintly grainy texture, I think. The handle will be thin and rounded and out of the way, but big enough to slip a couple of fingers through. I can feel it in my hands, and it's absence makes my fingers itch.

...And now you know what I've been obsessing about lately. One day I'll get up the nerve to walk into one of those kitschy pottery shops downtown and ask if they could make it for me.

Not much else happening here. Mina had a fun birthday, we took everybody to eat at the 'Olive Oil Garden', as she calls it. She got a Dora doll in a fancy red dress and a LPS kitty from me & Pete. I also got her a tea rose and a shiny hat that says 'Birthday Girl' on it, which she wore the whole day. Random strangers were telling her happy birthday, which she enjoyed. We stopped by the mall to get the oil changed, and we found out that the book store was having a 70% off sale; Not much was left but we did get a copy of The BoxCar Children, a Tinkerbell novel, and a few picture books that they chose for themselves.
I've started The Black Tulip which I got for Christmas, and I love it. There's several pages of historical context added to the front, which I totally appreciate.

I'm going to go make tea and drink it from a dainty, inferior mug.

Festive Olive Salad

20 green olives, w/ pimentos
1 oz olive brine
3/4c cheap vodka
1 splash of dry vermouth

Shake with ice, enjoy. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

New blog post.

Dinosaur Pizza.


Buccaneer nuggets.


Aw.


Levi is sooooo glad that he dialed 1-800-...


Ooooh.


And again. I wish I lived in this room.

Good Parenting

Every now and then I get the urge to do something so irresponsible, so terrible, so self abusive, that I wish someone would beat me over the head with a Dobson book screaming "No, you fool! IT'S NOT WORTH THE PAIN!!!"

That's right; I'm baking with the kids.
I have these visions of a Norman Rockwellesque bonding experience, but it almost immediatly degenerates into whing, screaming, open weeping...and then there's the noise the kids make! They fight, and push, and eat the raw dough, and lick the measuring spoons...ERG! They sit and pick little bits out of the formed cookies to test, then cry when their cookies come out of the oven looking like they've had small pox.

I JUST CAN'T STAND IT.

I have nowhere to put anything

Clothes, specifically.
What can I do?

Dining Room

Okay, so here's that window-mirror in the dining room: I started prying the glass panes off and the whole thing just kind of swung off the wall. Guess what was underneath?



Drywall! Nice, undamaged drywall. Mr. Legs remembers when the whole room was that color. The frame was just screwed onto the wall and connected at the top to the real window.


So we primed it and painted it 'Arabian Sands'. I think that wierd blotch in the photographs is the ghost of our electrical system (more about that later).


Here's the hutch, after I put all the school stuff in it.


And here's the whole thing with our pretty new table. I admired it for five minutes, then promptly covered it with a plastic table cloth, chewed crayons and a bit of old tomato sauce.

Pictures!

Tell Blondiekins that she is the most awesome niece EVER. I hope her teachers were suitably dazzled by her brilliance! I hope school gets more interesting soon; Have you told her the reason she's bored is because she's just so smart?

We went to the San Antonio Zoo several years ago, when Mina was little, and it was HORRIBLE. Every other enclosure was empty, there were no birds, the monkeys were old and depressed...It was bad. They've made signifigant improvements since then.
Here's our favorite animal, LaVerne:



She's a nice, polite goat. This is Mindy, who will sneak up on you and knife you in the back for a goat treat. Seriously.



There are about ten goats altogether, but the others are pretty non-descript.

Here is one of the black panthers (they bill them as 'black jaguars) wandering around. Normally they just lay there whining about the heat, but we went on a nice drizzly day and all the animals were up and about.



Here's one of the warthogs. This is the first time the kids got to see one, because normally they're all buried nostril deep in their mud pit. The Twin got a book awhile back called 'A Kiss for a Warthog', that had really cutesy drawings in it, so she couldn't understand why nobody would kiss the warthog; well, now she knows.






Here's the elephant with highly visible 'nibbles', as the Twin pointed out. We got to see her pick up a few tiny little seeds off the ground and eat them. You always hear about how dextrous their trunks are, but I had never realized how much like fingers those little pro-tubers on the end are.



Ducky's favorite animal is the 'High-NO'! She learned what they were by seeing a picture of a blue one on the propane tank canisters outside of Wal Mart. This is the animal she always wants to see.



I don't know, that's the skinniest darn Rhino I've ever seen. There's another one that's healthier-looking, but he was lying down that day, enjoying a little pool of mucky rain on the floor.



Here we are being Nile Crocodiles. Sometimes they lay facing the glass, opening and closing their jaws very slowly. The kids love this.



The hippos are not quite as cool as the High-nos.



Rocket really enjoys the aviary, because it has a giant replica of an extinct 'Elephant Bird' egg. It's a neat little building, theres some birds flying around loose. They live in a little indoor forest and if you go on a day when there are no other people, they will walk right up and stare at you.



I can't remember what these are called, but they were being all cute that day. Probably to make up for the fact that there was a mutilated bird in there with them last time.



And here's Ducky and Spiderman riding Swiper. I think they missed each other.